Family secrets are often hidden stories that families keep from the outside world—and often from their own descendants. These secrets may include financial troubles, medical diagnoses, past mistakes, or deep traumas that family members intentionally choose not to share. But these secrets never truly go unnoticed—they affect daily relationships, emotional dynamics, and especially the youngest members of the family: the children.
Children are extremely sensitive to the emotional states of adults. Even if no one tells them directly what’s happening, they feel the tension, the silence, and the inconsistency in their parents’ behavior. These unspoken tensions often lead the child to feel anxious and unsure of themselves. A child may begin to wonder whether they are the cause of the tension in the family, especially as their natural curiosity is met with avoidance and vague explanations.
One of the key ways secrets affect a child is through the formation of their self-image. When parents exclude the child from certain aspects of family life, the child interprets this as a sign that they are not truly part of the family or not mature enough to understand the truth. In reality, however, the parents themselves are often not emotionally mature enough to face their own actions and the consequences they now choose to hide. This projection of the parents’ immaturity onto the child shapes the child’s personality in ways the parents are unwilling to acknowledge. Such a child develops self-doubt, which over time either leads to low self-esteem or an inflated ego that masks that doubt with excessive willpower.
Secrets cause mistrust—both toward others and toward oneself. When a child repeatedly encounters unexplained silence, rejection of their questions, or pretenses, they learn that it is safer not to ask questions or express emotions. The disappointment or disgust a parent feels toward themselves or their partner is often unconsciously directed at the child. Thus, the child becomes the target of emotional projections, further reinforcing feelings of guilt and shame. This dynamic creates an unhealthy emotional environment in which the child withdraws inward or seeks “replacement parents” outside the family, questions their self-worth, and cannot trust their own feelings.
Over time, the impact of this unhealthy environment also becomes physically evident in the child’s posture and movement. As the AEQ method explains, chronic emotional tension associated with secrets often leads to sensory-motor amnesia (SMA). SMA prevents the child from staying in touch with their body and emotions, making it difficult to naturally express themselves through movement and feelings. If we assume that a child mirrors their parents, it becomes clear that the child must develop strong SMA to create a distorted image of the parents or to conceal the true family dynamics occurring behind closed doors. Clients with severe chronic conditions often discover that their families operated with two faces. Spontaneity and authenticity lost the battle to concealment and pretense.
Imagine a family where the parents carefully hide the fact that the father has lost his job. The mother works overtime to keep the family finances afloat, while the father spends his days at home, filled with shame and anger. The children—ten-year-old Maja and seven-year-old Luka—notice the change in the atmosphere: their mother is often absent and tired, while their father is irritable. When they ask why everyone seems so worried, they receive only general responses like, “Everything is fine,” or “That’s not your concern.”
Maja starts to wonder if she is the cause of the tension. Maybe she’s not doing well enough in school or argues too much with her brother. Gradually, she stops asking questions and suppresses her emotions to avoid burdening her parents. Luka, on the other hand, becomes restless and increasingly seeks attention, not understanding why his parents are suddenly so distant.
A few months later, Maja begins experiencing anxiety in everyday life—her teachers notice she struggles to concentrate, and her best friend remarks that she no longer laughs as much. Luka starts displaying aggressive behavior during play, unable to verbalize his frustration. He becomes increasingly dependent on virtual environments where he can express his aggression and pretend to be anyone he wants—just as his parents pretend that everything is fine, even though it clearly isn’t. All of this unfolds because the children feel the burden of the family secret but lack the tools to comprehend or influence the dynamic enough to change it. The family’s level of emotional maturity is too low for that.
The Role of the AEQ Method in Transforming Family Patterns
The AEQ method is highly effective in identifying and dismantling the hidden effects of family secrets. By increasing overall emotional maturity through the gradual reduction of SMA, individuals regain contact with their feelings. The process of exploring and understanding one’s emotions and their origins lowers resistance to facing unpleasant memories and feelings rooted in a childhood burdened by family secrets.
When parents reach a higher level of emotional maturity through the AEQ process, they are less likely to repeat the patterns of secrecy and pretense with their own children. Breaking this cycle enables more authentic relationships and creates a safe environment where children can express themselves without fear of rejection or punishment.
Family secrets are not just unspoken stories—they are powerful forces that shape a child’s perception of themselves, their family, and the world. Reducing their influence requires courage and maturity from parents who must face their fears and the truth. The AEQ method enables parents to recognize and resolve these patterns, preventing their transmission to future generations. In doing so, they improve family dynamics and build the foundation for a healthy, authentic, and confident future for their children.
