What are the consequences for a child, and later an adult, if in early childhood they take on the responsibility for their parents’ divorce?
A child of divorced parents may develop the feeling that they failed in their role, believing they are to blame for the divorce. From this guilt, chronic guilt and a chronic form of low self-confidence can emerge. There may also be a chronic behavioral pattern of giving up whenever faced with an important task, higher stress, or responsibility.
A strong resentment may develop toward one gender, depending on who was blamed for the parents’ separation (either the mother or the father). Such a child feels disappointed in themselves for not being able to save their parents’ marriage, which is impossible—since the partnership is not dependent on the child, but rather the child on the partnership. Justified disappointment in the parents, which often cannot be expressed—at least not toward one of them—is then projected inward and later onto others. If the parents can’t resolve their relationship, the child certainly can’t either. But this doesn’t stop the child from blaming themselves and later feeling deep self-disappointment. In a later stage, this disappointment and self-blame are projected onto other people, and the individual may become strongly prejudiced or stereotypical. They may develop strong hatred toward something or someone, toward certain types of people, a particular race, or gender, and may overreact to various things.
To summarize briefly, the consequences are primarily that such a child cannot develop adequate emotional maturity because, on a subconscious level, they see themselves as chronically incapable of managing interpersonal relationships. They tried to fix their parents’ relationship from a child’s position, but the partnership fell apart, and they blamed themselves. They learned relationship behaviors from parents who failed in their partnership (divorce), leaving them with no other option but to form the subconscious belief that relationships are simply not for them. At the same time, there is a higher likelihood that they will develop strong resistance toward their own intimate relationship. If they couldn’t fix their parents’ relationship, they must be incapable of having a partnership with someone else themselves. That is one possible scenario.
Another version, which happens less frequently but is still possible, is that the child grows up to become a partner who refuses to accept the fact that the relationship they are in is not working, that it is toxic, but still refuses to let go. One partner simply will not release the other, who tries to escape. They may go to extremes, searching for them, willing to go to the ends of the earth to force them to stay together. They do this because they simply cannot accept the end of the relationship. From such situations, very strong forms of narcissistic or even sociopathic behavior can emerge. These can be dangerous patterns, as the person does not respond to humane emotions and lacks mercy or compassion. They simply do not know what these things are, as they do not exist within them.
