The expression of emotions such as anger, negativity, and aggression is often condemned or punished in children, leading to imbalance in the child’s emotional and physical development. Historically, society has frequently viewed such emotions as unacceptable, resulting in children being subjected to punishment that taught them they must not openly express their feelings. This approach creates a long-term dysfunctional relationship between parents and children, where the former assume the role of monitors and punishers, and the latter are forced to suppress and repress their emotions. This problem becomes even greater if the parents have SMA and are unable to accurately and reliably recognize their own emotions. They do not distinguish well enough between their own anger, rage, fury, wrath, protest, or contempt.
A child primarily learns emotional usage by observing how emotions are used by the parents. They act as a mirror reflecting the behavior of the parents. But this mirror has another unpleasant trait—it reflects the parents’ subconscious emotions (2nd level of emotions according to the AEQ method) more accurately than their conscious emotions (3rd level). It shows the parent who they really are—much like the mirror in the fairy tale of Snow White. And we, the parents, are usually the witch who cannot accept the truth the mirror shows, demanding instead that it reflect what suits her beliefs, regardless of whether that belief is still valid.
Two or three generations ago, a child’s anger, rage, and fury toward the parent were forbidden, while parents could direct all these emotions toward the child without restraint—children were mostly seen as a burden, obstacle, or problem. In modern times, the mirror has cracked, and the sense of injustice we experienced as children from such parental treatment has swung the pendulum to the opposite extreme.
Today, we often face the opposite challenge: children are allowed almost everything without being taught a healthy way to express anger and other negative emotions. It is important to understand that a child’s perception of the world is based on a fairly black-and-white view. Children do not yet have the developed capacity to rationally manage and understand their emotions. Confrontation with the value system, beliefs, and limits set by parents can trigger internal tension and anger in the child, especially if they do not understand the system or perceive it as an unnecessary restriction.
Many parents mistakenly interpret a child’s expression of anger as a direct attack on their authority, which leads them to suppress the emotion. Children then begin to repress their anger, often leading to the suppression of all kinds of negative emotions in the long term. Over time, they become the “good” and “golden” child, but this is merely a superficial image hiding a deep internal automation of emotional responses.
This suppression heavily impacts the child’s body and breathing patterns. It is linked to a feeling of fear, creating chronic tension in the muscles, especially in the abdomen, neck, and jaw. Over time, this state reduces tissue elasticity, inhibits natural relaxation, and leads to physical imbalances that may later manifest as asthma, bronchitis, headaches, migraines, and other issues.
A parent learning the AEQ method gradually gains deeper contact with their bodily sensations and emotions. Through this process, they begin to understand their emotional responses—such as anger, frustration, and dissatisfaction—and learn how to express them in a healthy way, without harming themselves or others. Consequently, their child has a greater chance of forming a healthy and mature relationship with anger and learning to properly define and use it. This allows the child to more correctly and effectively use rage, fury, protest, and contempt, and to set boundaries for themselves and others more effectively.
Aleš Ernst, author of AEQ
