In my work, I observe and feel how the lack of time and too many external influences destroy partner relationships. I notice that couples who come to me for explanations about their ineffective relationship only recognize the real problem when they are already facing serious issues and when the feeling of alienation between partners is too strong. It is similar with those who want to analyze the causes of being single or of chronic problems that stem from not having a partner relationship. As a teacher of the AEQ method, I see that an excess of stimuli and constant rushing destroy individuals’ ability to create and maintain deep, emotionally strong bonds with their partners.
Lack of time has become a standard issue in modern life. When we add constant external influences – from work, social media, electronic devices to societal expectations on how to live – we create a perfect recipe for emotional detachment and loss of connection with our true inner need for intimacy. The excess of stimuli affects our nervous system and distances us from the natural ability of the body to adapt, relax, and maintain inner balance. This first causes the breakdown of the internal partner relationship, which increases disconnection and reduces compassion between consciousness and body, consequently increasing tension in the body and transforming it into chronic problems. This inability to relax then negatively impacts the quality of the relationship with a partner.
I also notice in my work how clients are tense, irritable, overly attached, or alienated in their relationships and unable to communicate on a deeper level. Many people simply do not realize how much the environment exhausts them and how overstimulation affects their ability to be present and aware in the moment. Partner relationships are the most evident place where this inability to be present shows itself – as alienation from the person with whom we are supposed to become one, at least for some time. The ability to feel and know who we truly are is essential for stepping into the role or skin of another person. This is a crucial skill for a long-term partnership. SMA (sensory-motor amnesia) severely limits this and makes it impossible for us to know what it is like to be in our own skin, which logically prevents us from understanding what it is like to be in someone else’s.
We guess and assume too much about how we affect our partner, and in doing so, we lose real feedback about how our actions are received. We develop an information vacuum where we imagine or misinterpret how we influence others, which leads to an inability to appropriately understand the consequences of our influence. Over time, SMA distorts our moral compass enough to increase irresponsible behavior in the relationship, mistrust, and guilt in one or both partners, creating a repellent connection and negative experience that leads to aversion to being with or around someone. It’s not easy to be with someone who cannot or does not know how to step into your shoes without distortion or self-interest.
The AEQ method is based on gradually increasing awareness of the body, movement, breathing, and emotional state. As we become more conscious of how we move and breathe, we also become more aware of how we enter relationships. An essential part of a successful partner relationship is the ability to first connect with oneself, only then can we truly and deeply communicate with a partner. Lack of time is not just an excuse, it is a real consequence of our inability to balance our inner world with the external environment. That’s why it’s important to understand how overstimulation affects our capacity for emotional stability and mutual connection.
Emotional maturity is also key in a partner relationship. Emotional maturity means we can recognize our internal impulses, emotions, and reactions, and express them appropriately in communication with our partner. The lack of such awareness often leads to growing tension, frustration, and conflict, which accumulates over time. The inability to consciously communicate and release emotional burdens then manifests in alienation, unexpressed needs, and ultimately, the drifting apart of partners.
In the AEQ method, we often emphasize the importance of gradualness and patience. These two qualities are also essential in a partner relationship. The process of improving a relationship doesn’t happen overnight. We must start with ourselves – by becoming aware of our body, feelings, and emotions – and then gradually introduce changes in how we respond to our partner and the challenges that arise in the relationship. As we become more conscious, we also become more capable of understanding our partner and building deeper, sincere, and conscious connections.
When we understand and consciously approach the increase of our emotional maturity, it enables us to form more balanced, deep, and fulfilling partner relationships. It all begins with our inner work, where the fast, superficial dynamics of everyday life end, and true connection with ourselves and our partner begins.
Aleš Ernst, author of the AEQ Method.
